Change and the past few days...

Change is but a part of healing- I read that in one of my books about spirituality some time back. And it’s true!!! My life has been a rollercoaster for the past few days but I’m just learning to cherish this joy ride at all of its points- both high and low. Losing Antonio was decidedly one of the lowest of those. And yet it has brought some positivity back into my life!! It’s been a couple of days since Antonio’s funeral. I moved in with Klaudia though we do not see eye to eye to help her out. Antonio would always take care of her. And there had to be someone to manage the affairs of the manor too, now that he is gone! Erin also has been around, I think she is warming up to Klaudia slowly. Klaudia might be cold, rude and unhelpful but her heart is good. We both have also been connecting for the past few days!! Klaudia didn’t seem very happy about it earlier but I didn’t let that dishearten me—one must always wear the lens of positivity! We were able to talk about how downright horrible it was to lose Antonio. I have been taken over by this sense of helplessness like I am all alone in the world with no one to look out for me. I feel homesick and I don’t understand it. I guess it’s not home with Antonio. Klaudia could understand that. Antonio was everything to her too, ever since she was a baby. I am glad we could talk about it. I have been staying in my childhood room. It is exactly as it had always been. It is strangely peaceful here. Drew came over this morning to check up on Klaudia. I was in the kitchen tinkering around and I couldn’t help but overhear them outside. She said that Akira had shut herself in because she thought she had seen George’s murderer and thus the murderer must have also seen her!!! Oh, it’s utterly terrifying. It filled me with such unease. I found myself walking out of the house, I couldn’t take it!! Everything is becoming too real, this danger, it's inching too close to home and I feel like everything is on the brink of bursting at its seams. I took out a pack of cigarettes that I had kept stoved in my jeans for quite some time now. I put a cigarette to my lips and lighted it. It’s been a long while since I’ve done this.

27.02.18