21.02.2018

They say that talking about grief makes it easier to carry and at this point I am willing to do anything to get this nightmare to end. How am I feeling now? Numb. And disbelieving of what has happened, just as I was, when I first found out. Everyday, at seven in the morning, Antonio would wake me up with a cup of coffee and my medicines. He would tell me the affairs of the mansion that needed to be taken care of on that day and then he would be off to do his chores. So yesterday when I woke up to loud thumping on my bedroom door, coupled with the loudest booms of thunder at 04:30 in the morning I knew that something was wrong. I quickly shrugged on my sweater and I opened the door to find Jose there, looking absolutely broken and distraught. There was an uncomfortable pit in my stomach because I knew at that moment that something had to have happened to Antonio. Swallowing a lump in his throat, Jose wordlessly nodded once to me, confirming my suspicions.

I followed Jose out to the grounds. The umbrella in my hand didn’t stand a chance against the howling winds that surrounded us. Raindrops hit my skin like bullets but I only vaguely registered them because my brain was flooded with possibilities of what could have happened. Antonio had to be alright. We always joked about how he is indestructible but it is the truth. I, or anyone on this island, have never met anyone as strong as Antonio. The car ride to the beach was all a blur, to be honest. All I remember from it is the rain crashing onto the earth in sheets of white and the noise and the immenseness of the uproar that the wind caused.

I stumbled out of the car as soon as we reached the beach. Everyone- Antonio’s family, Drew, Yusuf, Akira, Harry, Akeno, Sariah, June, Mocair-was there, standing at the shore, still in their night things. The sea in front of us churned with an unprecedented rage. Drew was leaning onto Yusuf’s shoulder, who, for once, also had his face contorted with genuine emotion. Jose had joined us by then and was standing with Akeno, who’s eyebrows were furrowed in concentration and with grief. Everyone else too, stood there silently with sadness and defeat practically emanating from their beings. Something about their helplessness made me frantic about needing to find Antonio. He had to be safe, he had to. I stood in front of everyone, the rain making my eyes water. “Someone needs to…Someone needs to get the body back,” Drew said quietly after a few moments and there was a flash of anger in my mind. “It’s just too dangerous for any of us to survive the sea,” Jose replied, his voice cracking as he finished the sentence. I couldn’t take it. I couldn’t take them acting as if he was already dead. I interrupted them saying, “Why are you calling him a body, he’s not dead. We need to save him.” No one said a word. They all looked at me with those pathetic sad faces that made my blood boil. Desperation made me vibrate in my own skin. With my hair flying wildly in the wind, I went over to Jose and Akeno. “Save him, please,” I shouted over the howling wind and this time, the tears in my eyes weren’t because of the rain. “We have to save him,” I screamed but no one moved. In that moment, I knew that I could destroy the lives of al of the people in front of me for the slightest of incentive and not feel an ounce of regret about it. Their empty, pitiful stares coupled with the rain that was hitting my face incessantly as if it was poking fun at the situation I was in made me finally break. “Someone needs to stop the rain,” I managed to let out before I could no longer control the wobble in my voice or the way that grief poured out of me in ugly sobs. Through my blurry vision I saw Drew take a cautious step towards me. “It will stop raining when he’s back on the island. It will, I’m sure,” she said and everyone hummed in agreement. Drew had to be right, she had to. I turned around, unable to look at anyone anymore. I watched the roaring sea and I wished it had been me instead of him.

Just then, at the horizon I saw a figure in the sea moving towards the beach. My heart skipped a beat. “Antonio!” I screamed, running into the water. I felt José’s hand wrap around me, holding me back. I screamed Antonio’s name again. I rubbed my eyes to see better and-

And that wasn’t Antonio. It was Erin. With Antonio on her back. I felt a guttural cry push through my throat. I thought I knew pain, having experienced it all my life, but I was wrong. I had never felt something burn my insides so harshly before. Erin kept moving closer, kept moving steadily towards us with eyes trained upon the shore and her muscles rippling under stress of holding Antonio up. There was a haunting silence around that I could feel being pierced by my own screaming voice. This couldn’t be happening. Erin was the storm that surrounded us, the quiet epicentre who held Antonio above her with inhuman strength. The rage in the sea was no match with the rage in her eyes. For once, I was terrified of Erin D’costa.

Erin finally reached the shore. She pushed past me and dropped Antonio onto the sand, to then go over to Antonio’s wife, who was weeping on the ground. Maintaining her steely silence, she picked Antonio’s daughter and took her away.

Antonio lay stiller than a rock, all pale and lifeless on the sand and all bloated because of the water in his lungs. His wife crashed onto his body, shattering into sobs on his chest. I stood there, still knee deep in the sea and silent now. I could hear people crying around me but I couldn’t move. I couldn’t say a thing. I had been talking to Antonio just yesterday. And now he was here, in front of me, not breathing and so, so very dead. “There is something in his fist,” Sariah said quietly and that caused silence. Jose, then Yusuf, then Akeno and the rest all took turns to try to open it but in vain. I walked towards him and knelt. I took his hand in mine like I had countless times in my life. I stroked his knuckles and the tough skin on them that had got rough and calloused because of years of hard work. I felt his fingers loosen and I gently opened his fist. In it was the doll I had given him. Antonio had clutched my doll in a death grip in his last moment. Other than me clutching on to him as if just some more time was going to bring him back, I don’t remember much of what happened next, but I do remember the pain, the unending, excruciating pain of being so utterly alone, of having lost a love that was beyond what words could describe. I remember that mistrust and danger had now spilled into the air with nothing to stop them. I remember the voices around me as they kept getting more alien.

Nothing in the world is right. The Manor is too quiet and the island, too suffocating. And it is still fucking raining.

by Klaudia Kabot on February 21, 2018